Immediately setting a bland and unoriginal tone in only its first five minutes, the new Amazon release, Road House, is an insipid remake of Rowdy Harrington’s 1989 cult classic. Former good director Doug Liman seems to have set out to purposely sink this project without a care for the audience’s enjoyment. As this dreadful picture unfolds, every second becomes a collage of badly choreographed fight sequences, sluggish pacing, and embarrassingly goofy macho posturing so incredibly stupid that one can’t even laugh at it.
The problems start with the so-called screenplay from Anthony Bagarozzi and Chuck Mondry. Is there evidence that these two have ever taken a writing class? We are going to need proof. While the dialogue in the original wasn’t exactly David Mamet, the lines this poor cast has to deliver are unfathomably atrocious. Bargozzi and Mondry seem to have a disdain for the film they are attempting to update; their lack of respect for the plot and characters is painfully evident from scene to scene.
Metaphorically urinating on Patrick Swayze’s well-designed portrayal in the original, Jake Gyllenhaal’s “Eldwood Dalton” is a former MMA fighter weighted down by guilt from killing a friend in the ring. Now making a living in the underground fight world, Dalton barely gets by. In one of many terrible ideas, he wins by not even having to fight. Cloaked in a hood, once he reveals himself to his opponent, they immediately back down, knowing his violent past and the promoters still pay him. Yeah, right.
After one such non-fight, “Frankie” (Jessica Williams) offers Dalton a job at her rowdy Florida Keys road house bar to help clean up the bad element. But wait, Frankie’s bar is the target of the film’s villain, ‘Brandt” (Billy Magnussen), a smarmy rich kid who will stop at nothing to attain the land it sits on. But wait, there is Dalton’s romance with ER nurse “Ellie” (Daniela Melchior) that has as much heat as an arctic freeze. But wait, murder-for-hire psychopath “Knox” (Conor McGregor) comes calling for Dalton’s head, forcing him to return to his violent ways. But wait, there is a bookstore that Dalton frequents that happens to get a taste of the bad guys’ wrath.
In Liman’s Road House, everything that made the original so special has been swept away. The new Dalton is no longer a philosophical, Tai Chi-practicing, man with a past who only uses his fighting skills when necessary. As written, the new Dalton is a man whose anger and viciousness caused the destruction of his career and his former friend’s life. He can barely keep it together. This is no Zen soul in search of spiritual peace. This is a mentally unstable and dangerous man constantly fighting the devil on his shoulder.
Patrick Swayze showed charm and gravitas in his portrayal, helping the silly premise go down easy. Jake Gyllenhaal is certainly a good actor, but completely blows it here, seeming too removed from the material as if he knows he is slumming. The actor looks bored when suffering through his pseudo-tough dialogue, delivering each line with an “Okay, let’s get this over with” attitude. When he somewhat accidentally feeds a baddie to an alligator, the soul of the original Dalton character is all but destroyed while Gyllenhaal’s reaction shows less concern than if he stepped in a puddle.
All of the performances are beyond terrible. Billy Magnussen’s bad guy is about as menacing as Sally Field. A child wouldn’t be scared of this wimp. Magnussen is quite awful, but Connor McGregor’s embarrassing display takes the cake. To be fair, McGregor is no actor and this is his first film, but his director should have reigned him in. He walks around with a dumb grin on his face throwing punches and bad line readings around like he didn’t care. To witness the MMA champ’s “performance” is to see the unmaking of a future film career unravel in real time.
What of the titular road house? The audience has nothing to care about, as the horrific screenplay is crafted without a thought to giving the audience anyone or anything to care about. Unlike Rowdy Harrigton’s original, Doug Liman and his screenwriters could care less about getting to know Frankie or her staff beyond the requisite introductions. Why is the road house so important? Why is it so special to Frankie beyond it being her Uncle’s place? The screenwriters don’t care and neither do we.
The film even robs its viewers of any references to bouncers, or training bouncers, or the philosophies of being a good bouncer. Dalton shows up on his first night, stops some baddies, another male employee eventually throws a few guys out, Dalton nods approvingly, and they hire another bouncer. That’s it. What fun!
How about the fact that the big finale fight to the death is done on the water, miles away from the road house? Ain’t that something?
In the most unoriginal idea of them all, the road house’s name is no longer the “Double Deuce”. The new name? “Road House”. Wow, this script is on fire!
Henry Braham’s camera paints drab visuals, Christopher Beck’s score sounds like it is from a cheap video game, the fight choreography is z-grade level, and the moments of truly bad CGI are something to (not) behold.
Doug Liman’s Road House is executed like an inept cartoon. The movies Steven Seagal makes today are light years ahead of this trash.
If there is something good to say about a film, I will acknowledge it. If a director doesn’t even try to create something original and insults their audience, I will not hold back.
I can be nice. Until it’s time to not be nice.
Road House is absolute garbage and a roundhouse kick in the face to the legacy of the Patrick Swayze classic.
Road House
Written by Anthony Bagarozzi & Chuck Mondry
Directed by Doug Liman
Starring Jake Gyllenhall, Jessica Williams, Billy Magnussen, Connor McGregor
R, 123 Minutes, MGM, Silver Pictures, Amazon Studios
